Making your life better can actually make it worse
There's one counter-intuitive learning that's really been hammered in over the last few months of Project Unf*ckwithable:
Making your life better can actually make it worse.
Most of us notice that as we make our lives better, we start to feel better inside. That can quietly turn into a strategy: make life as good as possible so I can feel as good as possible.
Here's what I've noticed: people who go down this path end up getting more and more brittle.
They seem strong, but when something isn't perfect they start to crumble. The more they improve, the more they obsess over improving. And the more that what’s left truly doesn’t matter… yet somehow matters more.
This morning, I got annoyed because I missed the sale on butter. Now it’s $8 instead of $5. In the grand scheme of life, this is nothing. And yet my first reaction was to berate myself: how did you forget, why didn’t you go yesterday?
To the person trying to do everything perfectly and not feel anything bad, this isn't about butter. It's proof that they're not perfect. And if they're not perfect, then their journey might be hopeless. A paper cut that should be nothing can instead cut to the bone.
Eventually, they start avoiding situations where they might feel uncomfortable. And when you do that long enough, your anxiety ends up behind the steering wheel instead of you.
So solely focusing on the outside world so you can feel good inside doesn't work. It does at first, but doesn't last.
You also need to do the inner work.
And the first step is to realize that you have NO bad feelings. When you label them bad you make them bad. Instead, you have uncomfortable feelings. I think of them as spicy.
And just as you can grow to love spicy food, we're going to need to grow to love our spicy feelings. Unlike food, you cannot have a great life never experiencing spicy feelings.
The practice I'm following is simple:
Notice them.
Slow down and insert space.
Sit with it.
Yeah, it sucks. But it's good for you. You don't have to like it. Just do it.
If you want this and you put effort towards it, I have faith you'll make it.
You got this.